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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24687844">i love you, mom.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/noahsenpai/pseuds/noahsenpai'>noahsenpai</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Uta no Prince-sama</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Character Death, Death, Gen, Grief/Mourning, i'll definitely write fluff later to make up for this, i'm so sorry about this, not a major one tho dw, rated t for descriptions of gore and death, the TINIEST bit off fluff if you squint</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 08:01:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,906</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24687844</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/noahsenpai/pseuds/noahsenpai</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"the worst day of loving someone is the day that you lose them." - l.j. smith</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. denial</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1">It had been almost three years.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Almost three years since Tokiya has last seen his mother. She had flown to southern Japan just after he had shared his dreams of becoming an idol. Part of him was angry at her for not supporting his dream and essentially abandoning him after sharing his passion with her; he had expected much more of a positive response. He hadn’t heard from her over the phone or via text message, either; it was almost as if she wanted nothing to do with her son due to his plans for the future.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> But Tokiya still missed her. He missed the days where he would lay his head on her lap and watch movies deep into the night, and when she would tickle him until he cried if he was close to falling asleep. He missed sharing his words with her about the going-ons in the world and their deeply educational political conversations. He missed her comfort; there wasn’t a day that went by that he didn’t think about her and how much he had done for her.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> But that was about to change. He was going to see her. Today, on his birthday.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Tokiya had been looking forward to his twenty-second birthday ever since he was a teenager. He had since abandoned this excitement when his life seemingly fell apart after being rejected for his passion, but now that he had begun a successful career with ST</span>
  <span class="s2">☆</span>
  <span class="s1">RISH, and now that he knew he would be seeing his mother on his special day, a new spark of happiness kindled somewhere deep in his chest.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Tokiya glanced over at the alarm clock on his nightstand. <em>11:35</em>. He was supposed to meet his mother in half an hour. Letting out a long sigh, he grabbed his shoulder bag and turned out the lights to his room.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Once he stepped into the living room, he jumped when he felt a vibration against his thigh. Reaching into his pocket, he grabbed his cell phone and placed it to his ear.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Tokiya, you need to come to the hospital. Your mother’s been in an accident.”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. anger</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “What happened?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Tokiya stared at the nurse standing behind the desk. Her gaze was cool, but he could see that they had a look of pity.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “I can’t tell you all of the details,” she said. She stood up and placed a tender hand on his shoulder, leading him to a small waiting room. “Dr. Miyashita will be with you in a moment.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> The ball of ice that had dropped in Tokiya’s stomach when he got the call was still melting. It was frustrating but scary; he had always been told that a car was essentially a thousand-kilogram killing machine. He couldn’t block out the mental images of broken windows and bloody limbs hanging out of the cracks and wounds of the car. His heart began to race. What if that was what his mother looked like when he saw her? What if she couldn’t recognize him when he walked into the room? What if she was…</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>No.</em></span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> He allowed all hopes of the day to exit his mind.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> It was time to focus on his mother and getting her better.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> There was a light knock on the door, and Tokiya practically sprung out of his seat when the doctor stepped into the room.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “You must be Ms. Ichinose’s son,” he commented.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Y-Yes,” Tokiya stammered. “How is she?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Why don’t you take a seat?” The doctor gestured to the seat that Tokiya was hovering over. Swallowing the lump in his throat, Tokiya allowed the gravity to pull him down.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “My name is Dr. Miyashita, I’m one of the trauma surgeons,” the doctor introduced himself. He sat in a chair across from Tokiya and looked him right in the face. There was a look in his eyes; it was kind of soft, and it really freaked Tokiya out. The ball of ice in his stomach seemed to expand and melt even more rapidly, sending cold tingly flashes of nervousness and desperation throughout his entire body.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “What do you know of what happened today?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Tokiya swallowed. “I just heard she was in an accident.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Dr. Miyashita nodded. “Your mother was involved in a collision with a drunk driver,” he stated.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Tokiya’s heart seemed to stop, and he felt his breathing hitch in his throat.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “She was in critical condition when she arrived. We had a pulse when she was on the way here, but we lost it.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Every word was like a knife.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “We worked on her for about forty minutes…we gave her an epidural, we breathed for her, we tried CPR and we shocked her a fair amount of time, but we weren’t able to get her back.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> That was it.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> That was when the world was plunged into darkness.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> That was when Tokiya’s mind just shut down.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Dr. Miyashita stood up and placed his hands on Tokiya’s shoulders. He could barely feel or recognize any kind of movement that was happening around him. Everything was a blur; he could barely make out the words that the doctor said next.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “We’re going to take you into her room so you can see her before we pronounce her.She’s going to have tubes and IV medications hooked up to her, and there’s a lot of blood. I’m so, so sorry, but we’re not going to be able to revive her.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Tokiya didn’t know what happened next. He swerved when he stood up and nearly collapsed, but there was a strong weight that kept him on his feet as he left the waiting room. He could barely make out the colors or the layout of the hospital halls and the room that his mother was in.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> The sight was horrendous. His mother’s face was twisted with bloody wounds and gashes. Brain matter was gushing out of the right side of her forehead. Her arms were covered in blood; her left arm was tattered to the point where her bone was poking out of her skin. Her skin was a pale and ghost-like color, and she was stiller than Tokiya had ever seen her while she was sleeping.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> That’s when he lost it. He ran over to his mother’s side and practically threw himself over her body, wrapping his arms around her neck and letting sobs rack his body. He fiercely pressed his forehead against hers, feeling his tears mix with her blood. “I’m so sorry,” he sobbed. Pressing a deep kiss to her forehead, he murmured, “I love you.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> He didn’t care about anything else right now. He didn’t want to do anything else but stay by her side and cry.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> He wanted his mother.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Here and with him. By his side. Alive.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Regret surged through him. Regret for all the lost moments. Anger. Anger at himself. Anger at running away and doing something that he knew his parents would abandon him for.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> If he wasn’t so selfish, his mother would still be alive. If he wasn’t so selfish, he and his mother would be celebrating the perfect twenty-second birthday together.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> If he wasn’t so selfish, his family wouldn’t have been broken.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> He wouldn’t be alone.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> He wouldn’t be scared.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> He would have reasons to smile.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Reasons to live.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> The doctor’s voice sounded miles away as he spoke.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> <em>“Time of death: 12:14.”</em></span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. bargaining</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> It had been years since he had done this.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Choking down the sob that was rising in his throat, Tokiya clicked on his father’s contact in his cell phone. He couldn’t remember the last time he had done this.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> His father had always been strict. If anything, he was less supportive of his son’s dream than his mother had been. He had cursed the title of idol ever since Tokiya could remember, and would not get close to allowing his son to go down that path.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> But he knew where his son was at. He knew what his son had decided to do. And he was angry about it.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> So it only made sense that he would be angry at Tokiya for his mother’s death.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> It would only make sense for him to blame his son.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> But this was too important.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Letting out a long sigh, Tokiya tapped on his father’s cell phone number and waited for him to pick up. A chill ran down his spine and spread throughout his body as it continued ringing.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> But then it stopped.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> A few moments of silence passed before Tokiya’s father spoke.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Tokiya?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Tokiya swallowed the lump that was threatening to form in the back of his throat. “Dad?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> His father let out a long sigh. “It’s been a while.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Dad, please listen!” The demand came out before Tokiya could hold it back. Then he lowered his voice. “It’s important.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> His father didn’t respond, so Tokiya heaved a deep sigh and began to share the news.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “It’s about…mom.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Still no response. Tokiya swallowed.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “She…she was in an accident today.” He couldn’t take this silence; he just wanted his father to say something. Taking a deep breath, he spoke.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “She died.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> It felt like hours went by before his father spoke. “What happened?” His voice came out as a choked whisper; Tokiya felt his heart practically break in his chest, and he let the tears come.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “She was hit by a drunk driver.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> A few more moments. Complete silence.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Then his phone shut off.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Hello? Hello!”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> His father had hung up on him.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> A flash of anger suddenly surged through Tokiya’s entire body. Gritting his teeth, he threw his phone across the room and pulled the covers over his head.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> The night was long and cold, full of blankets and bedsheets covered in tears. Tears spilled over anger. Tears spilled over regret.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Tokiya didn’t get out of bed the next morning.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. depression</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Why’d you call us together all of a sudden?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Syo’s question made Tokiya jump, pulling him out of the stream of thoughts flowing through his mind. He could tell that the other members of ST</span>
  <span class="s2">☆</span>
  <span class="s1">RISH knew that there was something wrong; despite his natural cool and quiet nature, he could tell that they could sense all the negativity flooding throughout his entire body.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Sorry that this meeting is sudden,” Tokiya apologized. “But this is really important.” He swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat. “I need to take a bit of a break.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> A tiny gasp fell from the mouths of Haruka and his bandmates. “How come?” Cecil asked. “Did something happen?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Tokiya nodded, and he instantly felt everyone’s gaze hook even stronger on him. He sighed, deciding that he was going to say it straight.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “My mother passed away.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Pure silence seemed to slam down on the room, and Tokiya felt everyone’s energy change from curiosity to sympathy.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Then Otoya broke the silence.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Man, I’m…I’m so sorry, Tokiya.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “We’ll be here for you,” Haruka commented.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Ren placed a hand on his shoulder. “Let us know if you need anything, okay?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Tokiya nodded, and he felt the tears coming yet again. He let out a long sigh and placed his balled fists over his eyes. “Sorry,” he apologized. “I don’t mean to cry.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Then he felt Natsuki’s strong arms wrap around his shoulders and pull him close. Normally he would have resisted his friend’s hugs, since he’s not big on physical contact, but he just let him this time. He really needed it.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Don’t worry about it,” Masato murmured. “You don’t have to be ashamed of crying.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Tokiya let out another sigh, grateful for his friends’ comfort.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Maybe he started to feel happy.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. acceptance</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> The funeral was long.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Tokiya had never been to one before. It was a completely new experience for him, and he was essentially the only one who was available to organize and pay for it. He felt a twinge of anger towards his father. They hadn’t spoken since the night Tokiya called him to inform him of the news of his mother’s death, and even after being texted many times to ask if he wanted to come to the funeral, he didn’t respond. And now he didn’t even show up.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Haruka, Tomochika, Ringo, Ryuuya, the ST</span>
  <span class="s2">☆</span>
  <span class="s1">RISH members, the members of QUARTET NIGHT, and even Shining himself had come to observe the funeral. A few of Tokiya’s distant relatives, most of whom he had never spoken to, had come, but he preferred to stay with the Shining Agency group.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Tokiya was the last to approach his mother and pay his respects. She was laying peacefully in the sheets, the white blanket covering her legs and torso and her black dress that matched the outer shell of her casket. She looked so comfortable and graceful, like a sleeping beauty; her deep indigo-black hair, the exact same color as Tokiya’s, seemed to shine with the light of all the stars in the sky. Tokiya couldn’t fight back his tears as he laid his hand on his mother’s. Her skin was so rubbery and so cold; even more emotion welled in his throat as he remembered her skin always being soft and warm. He leaned over her and pressed a deep kiss to her forehead. “I’m sorry for betraying you,” he whispered. “But I love you. I love you so, so, so much.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> It was as if hours had passed before Tokiya stood up and stepped away from his mother. He glanced over at his bandmates. Ren was crying; tears were streaming down his cheeks. Syo was dabbing at the edges of his eyes with his fingertips, and Cecil placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. Masato’s face was tilted towards the ground, his eyes shut tight, and Natsuki was gazing at Tokiya, sympathy and sadness glistening in his pale forest-green eyes.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Otoya and Haruka walked up to him, just as he began to collapse from his grief. He buried his face in the crook between their two shoulders, soaking in the comfort from their physical contact as he stood there sobbing. Otoya rubbed his back, and Haruka was whispering words of encouragement into his ear.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> This moment was the longest of the whole funeral. The whole room was silent as Tokiya let out all of his emotions through his sobs, his body racking with grief. Ringo attempted to walk over and comfort Tokiya, but Ryuuya took a hold of his arm and shook his head. Shining placed a hand on Ryuuya’s shoulder and pursed his lips, as if he was fighting to hold in his own grief.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> QUARTET NIGHT was also deeply affected by Tokiya’s emotions. Reiji was wiping his eyes with a tissue, and Camus had his eyes shut tight, pursing his lips just like Shining. Ranmaru was rubbing Reiji’s back comfortingly, and Ai, despite his lack of understanding of human emotion, clutched onto his chest with one hand. He turned to Reiji and asked, “What is this…this tight feeling? Why does my forehead feel like it’s filling up with fluid?”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “That’s sadness, Ai,” Reiji choked out with a sniff. “When you lose someone you love, and when you watch someone you love become affected so deeply by that loss, it makes you sad.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Ai blinked and nodded. Tears were beginning to well in his own eyes. Tokiya was not his kouhai, but he was very close to each of the members of ST</span>
  <span class="s2">☆</span>
  <span class="s1">RISH and cared deeply about each and every one of them. Tokiya was always so logical and cool. Seeing him broken like this was new to Ai; he couldn’t help but feel affected by this change.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> On the limousine ride home, ST</span>
  <span class="s2">☆</span>
  <span class="s1">RISH and Haruka all sat without saying a word. It was clear that too many emotions were flooding through each person, so strong that it likely blocked their ability to speak. The air in the limousine was tight with sadness and grief, and Tokiya felt like he would choke with every breath he took.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Suddenly, Ren broke the silence.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Remember that I said we’ll always be here for you.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Surprised, Tokiya looked up and gazed deep into his bandmate’s eyes.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “We may not understand what you’re going through, but we promise that we’ll help you get through this,” Syo added.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> “Your mother loves you,” Cecil said, but it came out as barely a whisper. “She loves you so, so much. I bet she’s watching over you right now, and I bet she’s proud of who you’ve become and all you’ve accomplished. I sent a prayer to the Muses to watch over her.”</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Tokiya blinked. “Thank you, Cecil.” His bandmates’ words of encouragement sent a new, almost foreign feeling flooding through his body. He gazed around at all of his friends, their sudden air of positivity seemingly beginning to flush away any trace of sadness that they had originally put into the air.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Tokiya’s mind was suddenly flooded with memories. He saw his mother holding his hand as he walked into his first elementary school class for the first time. Then he saw her taking him to the dentist to get a baby tooth pulled. He saw his tenth birthday party, the time he sprained his ankle roller skating, his first drive around the block, and his graduation.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> All of these memories.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> This is what he would remember.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> For him and for his mother.</span>
</p><p class="p1">
  <span class="s1"> Tokiya’s eyes welled with tears, but these were different kinds of tears. For the first time since the day she passed, Tokiya smiled.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>this could definitely use a touch-up edit or two, i was watching twitch while i wrote this lol</p><p>aaaanyways that was hella sad. i'm very sorry. i'll write some fluff later or smth to make it up</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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